Is it fair?

I want to tell you, I want to tell you so badly, about what I’m feeling now.

I want to tell you the uncertainties that plaque my mind. It’s going to be another week before I head back to the states to see your lovely smiles and hugs. Although, as of right now, you don’t know that 🙂 

I want to tell you, that I was scared – beyond scared – when I first left the states to come back home to Asia. I was beyond scared because I had no support here at all, no safe places, no nothing here. Nothing here but bad memories that plunge me into terrible nightmares and flashbacks. Nothing here but negative feelings that plunge me into a full blown panic attack. I should be happy to leave this place, but somehow now I feel scared to return back to the states. 

Is it fair for me to be so?

Uncertainty overwhelms me as I take a dive down this roller coaster again. What am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to feel? What exactly am I supposed to feel? I used to feel so cramped up being with my family, suffocated and limited. But now that I’ll be leaving them soon, what am I supposed to feel? I feel like I don’t want them to leave. I feel like I don’t want to leave them. Again, I’m caught in between the sides of me. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still get no support here, I still have no safe place here. But somehow I feel scared of going back to the place which has all my supports in it…

Again?

There’s a rain that’ll never stop falling.

Once bitten, twice shy  never shy.

What do I do now?

I can’t think. 

You disgust me.

Tendencies of the old

It’s not going to kill me. 5 tablets is far from killing me. It’s the thought that scares me.

What if one day I’ll down 12 tablets?

What if one day I decide one cut is enough, but that cut goes in a millimetre too deep?

 

 

 

The thoughts are back.

The voices are back.

The tears are back.

This time, I’m not sure how to stop it.

Fuck You.

YOU FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT ASSHOLE! 

WHY THE HELL DID YOU EVEN ENTER MY LIFE.

I WAS PERFECTLY HAPPY BEFORE YOU CAME. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN COME INTO MY FUCKING LIFE. 

YOU JERK! YOU FUCKED UP IDIOT! YOU PIECE OF WORTHLESS ASS!

I can’t imagine a life in which you were never in it, because I can’t see the light to this. The light is fading. YOU FUCKING JERK!

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND! GET OUT OF MY MEMORIES! GET THE FUCK OUT!

my fault.

I’m sorry for having depression.

I didn’t want it.

Revisiting the Past

This was from 2nd August 2012

I’m not in the states anymore, I’m back in Singapore for my summer break. And during my stay here, I decided to go through some old books. I guess I wasn’t prepared to go through it all again even though I thought I was ready.

2012 was before treatment. It was before I moved, it was before I acknowledged that depression was real and not just an excuse. 

The anguish in the words, the pain in the letters, the denial. It was as if I was reliving everything. Emotions that I used to feel ever so strongly crushed back and sat heavily on my heart. The ugly monster who was napping now raised its ugly head and roared into my ears. 

Maybe I wasn’t ready to come home. To face everything again. I slowly feel myself regressing and it’s been so hard to stay above the water. Wilson isn’t here, my support group isn’t here. And slowly, I find myself reaching out to that blade (I haven’t done it tho). I’m afraid I might. All it takes is just one push. 

 

 

Memories of a Distant Past

Ghosts.

Ghosts of the past.

Ambiguity.

Every one of them walk with a button on their faces: a replay button. Every time my eyes brush across their faces, it inevitably plays back vivid memories. Colors, smells and emotions. Each one more suffocating than the last. Waves upon waves of memories flood through me and not many are joyful. The hot tears that i swallow back down, the screams I suppress inside.

A stranger in a familiar place.

A foreigner.

An alien.

An intruder.

They seemed so focused on their rituals, I was nothing but an intruder in a comfortable life. Being in a lpace that used to be called “home” yet yearning to get away from it.

Ghosts.

Ghosts of the past.

Friends now strangers. Shadows. Blurry faces and shady colors drained of their vibrance and vigor. The once bright crimson turned into a dull, throbbing grey. The voices that once brought smiles through the tears now sound like cacophoneous and dissonant ramblings that are too loud for comfort. Like a cup of warm, tranquil tea that was left out to freeze in the blizzard of the night, their presence leave nothing but a chill which haunts the soul after everyone else leaves.

Keep Up

What’s eating you up? What’s that tremor in your hand? Why are you shivering? Why do you want to cry? What are you feeling and what do you need?

No, it’s. No, it’s not cold. No, I don’t want to. I don’t know what I’m feeling  No, try again. I feel… suffocated.  Why? I don’t know, I don’t know, i don’t know! I need to breathe. 

I need to breathe….

The desolation and ache, needing to release the poison, the fervor rage and sentiment. I want everything to be okay again. That blissful ignorance. I miss the smile I used to have, before everything happened. No, no you don’t… you’ve grown so much since then, don’t feel like you need to go back. oh but it was so blissful then…. I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know what heartache was, I didn’t know what disappointment was. If I was tired it was because school was hot and I was playing soccer before going for choir and coming home late because I wouldn’t stop talking to my friends. If I was sad it was because my favourite food stall didn’t open and I couldn’t get my favourite noodles…

When all else fails, where do you go? When you wake up from a nightmare, kicking and screaming, how do you shake it off? How do you go to sleep knowing that you’ll probably wake up sweating and palpitating?

It’s that heaviness in your chest,

The scream just waiting to be heard.

It’s the exhaustion that you have,

The anguish so deep inside that you can’t express.

What is that? Why do memories haunt her everywhere she goes? Why can’t she have a day without her memories? Why can’t she just forget it?

She’s waiting for superman to lift her up, and take her anywhere. Show her love and flying through the air. Save her now, before it’s too late tonight.

Stumbled and Fell

He took something from me. He took little pieces of me, little pieces over time, so small I didn’t even notice, you know? He wanted me to be something I wasn’t, and I made myself into what he wanted. One day I was me Cristina Yang, and then suddenly I was lying for him, and jeopardizing my career, and agreeing to be married and wearing a ring, and being a bride. Until I was standing there in a wedding dress with no eyebrows, and I wasn’t Cristina Yang anymore. And even then, I would’ve married him. I would have. I lost myself for a long time. And now that I’m finally me again, I can’t. I love you. I love you more than I loved Burke. I love you. And that scares the crap out of me because when you asked me to ignore Teddy’s page, you took a piece of me, and I let you. And that will never happen again. – Cristina Yang, GA.

I cannot breathe, I just cannot. I curl up in the corner of the bench, huddled over my laptop, desperately trying to put my thought into words. I find myself dependent on my medication and that’s not good. I panic when it diminishes in quantity from my backpack. I sit there, staring at the corner of my mind. The corner where you dragged your sledge hammer and destroyed, do you remember that? You cross my mind so often now that I think you still exist in the people I love the most. That scares the shit out of me. You have no idea. Remember how you left me not only broken but shattered and ground into fine powder?

I’m afraid. I’m afraid to try new things now. I’m afraid to be open to new experiences and new people because you made me so afraid. I wonder again and again, how is it you managed to turn a confident, bright girl into a cowering, academically challenged girl? How is it that you managed to snatch away the light behind her eyes, her fiery passion in her heart and her spark of hope in her heart? How is it that you managed to slam her across the wall, to hurt her, and to accuse her of hurting you, and on top of that, managed to make her believe that it was her fault? How is it that you managed to make her believe she was inferior to you? How was it that you managed to make her apologise to you even though it was clearly your fault? How was it that you managed to make a girl with a backbone suddenly fall on the floor, cleaning up your mess and promising to make changes when the one who needed to change was you?

How did you do that? How could you take her naivety and mutilate it into your own little disgusting creature? How did you make her flinch from the touch of others? How did you manage to make her second guess her every move?

But no, there’s a more pressing question that burns my mind right now.

How the fuck did she allow him to do all that to her? How stupid could she get? How idiotic could she be to continue to keep herself be under his spell? 

How did she allow herself to sink that low just to make you happy? How did she hit rock bottom just to be someone you wanted? How could she let herself?! How could she lose herself just like that?! How could she lose all her self confidence only by the few words that you told her?! That she was never and can never be good enough for you! That she could never be better than she was simply because she “never tried!” That her tears were nothing but a futile means to get your “pity”?! Your pity? You think she cried because she wanted your pity? 

You may be a memory for 5 years ago, but it stays fresh in my head, 

It was as if everything just happened yesterday.

Nothing you say now can change what your past actions have brought up.

Fighting Mia

With Mia whispering in my ear every single time I see food, I had forgotten what hunger was. The lines between hunger and craving was blurred and almost non-existent. My RD once told me, “the first sign of hunger isn’t the hunger pangs – those are last. The first sign is when you start thinking about food.”

What?

But when I start thinking about food, that means I’m already craving for something already too right? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving?

When you feel like you’re almost going to be full, stop eating. Just stop. Take time, or just sit around. Sit and be with yourself and your stomach. You’ll feel full soon enough.

Throw it up, just do it. You’re so fat already, stop making yourself uglier.

No, I won’t. Because I love myself. I won’t let myself go through that kind of torture again. I may not fully understand it now, but I know I’ll thank myself in the future. Thank myself for not letting it become so severe that I can’t do anything. Thank myself for not letting my teeth rot. Thank myself for not developing throat cancer. Thank myself for having some kind thought for my own body.

It’s all but a lie. They’re telling you lies. Throw it up, you disgusting piece of shit.

But Mia, if I do, you win again. And you’ve won so many times. Maybe it’s my turn to win. Maybe it’s time for you to leave. Because there’s nothing more precious than the smiles of my loved ones, and they hurt to see me do it. I hurt myself when I do it. Because I’ve learned from you, Mia. I’ve learned how to at least be conscious of when I binge.

Thank you Mia, you’ve shown me how much I need to start loving myself. You showed me how twisted and broken the world is. You showed me that there are others out there who love me. You showed me that I need improvement, and I WILL change. I’ll change for the better, I’ll change for the amazing people in my life. I’ll learn how to be kind to myself, and even though it’s hard to show compassion to myself, I will try. I will try. I will try.