Is it fair?

I want to tell you, I want to tell you so badly, about what I’m feeling now.

I want to tell you the uncertainties that plaque my mind. It’s going to be another week before I head back to the states to see your lovely smiles and hugs. Although, as of right now, you don’t know that 🙂 

I want to tell you, that I was scared – beyond scared – when I first left the states to come back home to Asia. I was beyond scared because I had no support here at all, no safe places, no nothing here. Nothing here but bad memories that plunge me into terrible nightmares and flashbacks. Nothing here but negative feelings that plunge me into a full blown panic attack. I should be happy to leave this place, but somehow now I feel scared to return back to the states. 

Is it fair for me to be so?

Uncertainty overwhelms me as I take a dive down this roller coaster again. What am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to feel? What exactly am I supposed to feel? I used to feel so cramped up being with my family, suffocated and limited. But now that I’ll be leaving them soon, what am I supposed to feel? I feel like I don’t want them to leave. I feel like I don’t want to leave them. Again, I’m caught in between the sides of me. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still get no support here, I still have no safe place here. But somehow I feel scared of going back to the place which has all my supports in it…

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