I Want To Tell You…

The feeling of being loved, of being wanted, knowing that someone out there loves you and craves for your companionship – it’s irreplaceable. The little things that he does for you, when he texts you to make sure your day is going all right. When he tries your baked goods and looks at you with loving eyes and eagerly tells you “it’s amazing!” even though you know it sucks. When you catch him smiling at you when the car stops at the red light. When he memorises your McDonald orders or when he knows your favourite type of tea.

And even though I know deep down that I’m his everything, sometimes I can’t help but think that I’m a little bit invisible to him. Especially when he’s losing himself with his laughter with his friends and accidentally calls me his ex’s name. Or when he goes out of his way to help her. Am I wrong to be saddened a little, knowing how much he still cares for her? I trust him, I really really do. One minute he puts her on the pedestal and the next he’s telling me things she’s done that’s hurt him. And all I want to do is to hold him tight and promise that I’m nothing like her.

Am I being like her? Jealous? Why does it even bother me this much?? I already know that he’s devoted to me. I feel like I always ask too much of him. I feel like every time I’m with him, I drain him – mentally, physically, emotionally.

I want to tell you how much you mean to me. How much you’ve helped me grow. I want to scream to the whole world and tell them that you’re mine. I want to hold your hand and not be afraid if your ex’s friends are around us. I want to show you to my friends. I want to be able to be with you without the fear of your ex finding out about us. I want you to be confident in our relationship – confident enough to tell her. But maybe I’m asking too much, as per usual… 

I want to tell you that yes, I’ll get edgy whenever you mention that you’ll be helping her. I want to tell you that yup, it’s hard to know you’ll be spending a whole day with her alone – even though you hate it too. I want to tell you that it’s hard to hear every time we go out to dinner with your friends and you say “oh, don’t tag jackie in any of the pictures, she’s still invisible … ehm yeah.” I want you to know that I care so much for you, it scares me because it’s opening up myself and being vulnerable. I want to tell you that I’m excited in the adventures in front of us.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the ability to overcome it.

 

Self-Care Week

It’s spring break! And even though the past week or so has been rollercoaster crazy and hell, I got out of it and I managed to keep my head above water. so what better way to celebrate than to have a self care week dedicated to baking? I haven’t touched baking since I came here, it’s been close to 6 months of no baking. My hands are just itching. And since W still has to work, what better way to have some me downtime and take care of myself? He gets to eat my stuff later anyway 😛

 

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Apparently my electric hand whisk was left over at W’s place 😦 so whisking away with my manual whisk! Never skip arm day!!

 

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Knead. Knead. Knead

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Cookie dough, left to chill for an hour in the fridge 🙂

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Ta-da! Instead of making cinnamon roll bread, i made cinnamon roll cookies. Glazed with milk frosting.

Never underestimate the amount of strength you achieve back from taking at least just one day to self-care. Don’t mix self-care with laziness, they’re two different, completely different things. When you self-care, you’re more conscious about your thoughts, your presence, your very being. You’re relaxed but productive. You’re taking care of yourself, what’s so bad about that? Take a day off dedicated to pamper yourself, it’s worth it.

Faith, Hope, and Love

ImageDoubts, doubts, doubts. When will everything be done and over with?

Even if you’re “back to normal”,

you’ve already gone through so much

that you still wouldn’t be “normal”.

you’ll always be different

and that is what’s going to make you

special and stronger than the others. (K.S.)

I’m a disgusting piece of wreck that has been trying to glue herself back together, how do you put up with me when I can’t even put up with myself?

I accepted your past,

I take you for what and who you are,

I’m excited for the future because the future will be bright.

And if you can’t see it yet,

I’ll still stay by your side until you can see it. (W.L.) 

I never wanted any of you to be dragged into this mess...

Too bad I’m already in it.

Now we just have to figure this out together,

you may be used to fighting your own battles,

but now you’re not alone anymore. (W.L.)

I’m exhausted and I’m so tired…

You gotta stay strong, dear.

You know how to reach out for help,

so just keep on doing what you’re doing! (K.S.)

When nothing else seems to work,

Time does heal many wounds,

so just hang on tight, (K.S.)

A Lot Of Times…

A lot of times I find myself not willing to even participate in class.

A lot of times I find myself wishing I had just slept in and not come to class.

A lot of times I wished I understood what the professor is saying.

A lot of times I wonder what did the uni see in my resumé that made them think I’m worth being in this prestigeous public uni.

A lot of times I wonder what I am doing.

A lot of times I wonder what life would be like if I had no depression or eating disorders or other shits.

A lot of times I don’t want to socialise at all.

A lot of times I just ride on my bike with no destination just to try and clear my head.

A lot of times I get so lost in my thoughts that I don’t know what I’m thinking.

A lot of times I stuff myself with food.

A lot of times I refuse to eat.

A lot of times I had to swallow down hot tears.

A lot of times I’m sick of life.

But a lot of times I think of the small things that pushed me to continue with life, knowing that IF I had already made it this far, I can continue with recovery and  become a better person.

A lot of times, I rely on faith to put one step in front of the other to keep walking.

Kick Back

Taken on the E Quad in UCD when I took a small nap and studied on the lawn.

The clouds are out, and  the winds are blowing and the soft grass under me bends under my weight. It’s pretty beautiful here on the quad lawn, Phillip Phillips’ music “Gone, gone, gone” blasting in my ear. My pants slightly wet from the little droplets of water on the grass – so what? Around me I see students playing Frisbee, a couple snuggling under a tree,  a boy eating his sandwich, a girl waiting for someone while studying, another boy lying comfortably on his back and reading his book, students just chilling on the lawn. What more can you ask for? It’s been a pretty rollercoaster day, but I think overall, it’s been pretty good! And the best part of today will definitely be this moment, lying down, typing out my feelings, eating Cheetos and just observing people under the cloudy skies. I wonder how the rest of you are doing, you guys okay there?

Hope everything is alright ❤

Lots of love,

jleornie

New Beginning

Its scary. But its amazing. Maybe not everyone of you have a chance like i do, to be away from everything.

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When I was suicidal, standing where i stood taking this picture would be a nightmare. Now, i stand before the city, facing my new future with brightened hope.

I recently landed in San Fransisco, ready to start my new life in UC Davis. Usually, having a clear day with the sun out at Twin Peaks is a rare opportune. Today was a brilliant day, what can i say? I miss my physical support groups that are still left in Singapore. My dearest counselor, my little x.mei, my lovely kiwi. But i know they’re still behind me in what i do. I havent lost a support group, im moving forward, and im comforted to know that they’re always going to be there anytime i need. Distance is just a small matter 🙂

New beginnings are brilliant arent they? But no more hiding. If others asked, i’ll proudly show my battle scars (hahaha i hope im brave enough). If im brave enough, you are too

Xoxo jleornie

Taken for Granted

One thing that we take advantage of, is memory. A bad memory, a good memory. If youre reading this post, most likely you’ll think you have 5x more bad memories than you have good memories. On my way to stateside, I am transiting at HongKong for two days. Here, i visited a restaurant in which i had purged in. I still remember the cubicle…

The thing is, if you want to move forward, looking backwards is hazardous. You have got to learn to look back and not immediately be thinking negatively. Think of it as a good thought – you’ve survived that day, and now its time to fight again. You’re all soldiers with common enemies – disorders. And we got this. Its time to stop making comments like “oh that was the time BEFORE i started cutting…” or “yep, that’s AFTER i’d started not eating.”

Your lives are too precious to be centered around when you started doing or feeling these things. Theres more to life than just remembering the bad days. Think of all your good days. If you do, and you have a bad day, would you trade away all your good days and memories because of one bad event?

You’re more precious than you think. Take care, love 🙂

Xoxo jleornie

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This was taken from under my umbrella on a rainy day in Hong Kong 😉