The feeling of being loved, of being wanted, knowing that someone out there loves you and craves for your companionship – it’s irreplaceable. The little things that he does for you, when he texts you to make sure your day is going all right. When he tries your baked goods and looks at you with loving eyes and eagerly tells you “it’s amazing!” even though you know it sucks. When you catch him smiling at you when the car stops at the red light. When he memorises your McDonald orders or when he knows your favourite type of tea.
And even though I know deep down that I’m his everything, sometimes I can’t help but think that I’m a little bit invisible to him. Especially when he’s losing himself with his laughter with his friends and accidentally calls me his ex’s name. Or when he goes out of his way to help her. Am I wrong to be saddened a little, knowing how much he still cares for her? I trust him, I really really do. One minute he puts her on the pedestal and the next he’s telling me things she’s done that’s hurt him. And all I want to do is to hold him tight and promise that I’m nothing like her.
Am I being like her? Jealous? Why does it even bother me this much?? I already know that he’s devoted to me. I feel like I always ask too much of him. I feel like every time I’m with him, I drain him – mentally, physically, emotionally.
I want to tell you how much you mean to me. How much you’ve helped me grow. I want to scream to the whole world and tell them that you’re mine. I want to hold your hand and not be afraid if your ex’s friends are around us. I want to show you to my friends. I want to be able to be with you without the fear of your ex finding out about us. I want you to be confident in our relationship – confident enough to tell her.
But maybe I’m asking too much, as per usual…
I want to tell you that yes, I’ll get edgy whenever you mention that you’ll be helping her. I want to tell you that yup, it’s hard to know you’ll be spending a whole day with her alone – even though you hate it too. I want to tell you that it’s hard to hear every time we go out to dinner with your friends and you say “oh, don’t tag jackie in any of the pictures, she’s still invisible … ehm yeah.” I want you to know that I care so much for you, it scares me because it’s opening up myself and being vulnerable. I want to tell you that I’m excited in the adventures in front of us.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the ability to overcome it.