Fighting Mia

With Mia whispering in my ear every single time I see food, I had forgotten what hunger was. The lines between hunger and craving was blurred and almost non-existent. My RD once told me, “the first sign of hunger isn’t the hunger pangs – those are last. The first sign is when you start thinking about food.”

What?

But when I start thinking about food, that means I’m already craving for something already too right? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving?

When you feel like you’re almost going to be full, stop eating. Just stop. Take time, or just sit around. Sit and be with yourself and your stomach. You’ll feel full soon enough.

Throw it up, just do it. You’re so fat already, stop making yourself uglier.

No, I won’t. Because I love myself. I won’t let myself go through that kind of torture again. I may not fully understand it now, but I know I’ll thank myself in the future. Thank myself for not letting it become so severe that I can’t do anything. Thank myself for not letting my teeth rot. Thank myself for not developing throat cancer. Thank myself for having some kind thought for my own body.

It’s all but a lie. They’re telling you lies. Throw it up, you disgusting piece of shit.

But Mia, if I do, you win again. And you’ve won so many times. Maybe it’s my turn to win. Maybe it’s time for you to leave. Because there’s nothing more precious than the smiles of Imagemy loved ones, and they hurt to see me do it. I hurt myself when I do it. Because I’ve learned from you, Mia. I’ve learned how to at least be conscious of when I binge.

Thank you Mia, you’ve shown me how much I need to start loving myself. You showed me how twisted and broken the world is. You showed me that there are others out there who love me. You showed me that I need improvement, and I WILL change. I’ll change for the better, I’ll change for the amazing people in my life. I’ll learn how to be kind to myself, and even though it’s hard to show compassion to myself, I will try. I will try. I will try.

I Want To Tell You…

The feeling of being loved, of being wanted, knowing that someone out there loves you and craves for your companionship – it’s irreplaceable. The little things that he does for you, when he texts you to make sure your day is going all right. When he tries your baked goods and looks at you with loving eyes and eagerly tells you “it’s amazing!” even though you know it sucks. When you catch him smiling at you when the car stops at the red light. When he memorises your McDonald orders or when he knows your favourite type of tea.

And even though I know deep down that I’m his everything, sometimes I can’t help but think that I’m a little bit invisible to him. Especially when he’s losing himself with his laughter with his friends and accidentally calls me his ex’s name. Or when he goes out of his way to help her. Am I wrong to be saddened a little, knowing how much he still cares for her? I trust him, I really really do. One minute he puts her on the pedestal and the next he’s telling me things she’s done that’s hurt him. And all I want to do is to hold him tight and promise that I’m nothing like her.

Am I being like her? Jealous? Why does it even bother me this much?? I already know that he’s devoted to me. I feel like I always ask too much of him. I feel like every time I’m with him, I drain him – mentally, physically, emotionally.

I want to tell you how much you mean to me. How much you’ve helped me grow. I want to scream to the whole world and tell them that you’re mine. I want to hold your hand and not be afraid if your ex’s friends are around us. I want to show you to my friends. I want to be able to be with you without the fear of your ex finding out about us. I want you to be confident in our relationship – confident enough to tell her. But maybe I’m asking too much, as per usual… 

I want to tell you that yes, I’ll get edgy whenever you mention that you’ll be helping her. I want to tell you that yup, it’s hard to know you’ll be spending a whole day with her alone – even though you hate it too. I want to tell you that it’s hard to hear every time we go out to dinner with your friends and you say “oh, don’t tag jackie in any of the pictures, she’s still invisible … ehm yeah.” I want you to know that I care so much for you, it scares me because it’s opening up myself and being vulnerable. I want to tell you that I’m excited in the adventures in front of us.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the ability to overcome it.

 

Self-Care Week

It’s spring break! And even though the past week or so has been rollercoaster crazy and hell, I got out of it and I managed to keep my head above water. so what better way to celebrate than to have a self care week dedicated to baking? I haven’t touched baking since I came here, it’s been close to 6 months of no baking. My hands are just itching. And since W still has to work, what better way to have some me downtime and take care of myself? He gets to eat my stuff later anyway 😛

 

IMG_3934

Apparently my electric hand whisk was left over at W’s place 😦 so whisking away with my manual whisk! Never skip arm day!!

 

IMG_3940

Knead. Knead. Knead

IMG_3944

Cookie dough, left to chill for an hour in the fridge 🙂

IMG_3954

Ta-da! Instead of making cinnamon roll bread, i made cinnamon roll cookies. Glazed with milk frosting.

Never underestimate the amount of strength you achieve back from taking at least just one day to self-care. Don’t mix self-care with laziness, they’re two different, completely different things. When you self-care, you’re more conscious about your thoughts, your presence, your very being. You’re relaxed but productive. You’re taking care of yourself, what’s so bad about that? Take a day off dedicated to pamper yourself, it’s worth it.

Letter to A.T.

To my beloved little sister, my x mei,

I’m guilty of not talking to you enough. I’m sorry. I hope things are going better than they usually are. The day that things are amazing and brilliant, I hope you tell me ASAP! You occupy a lot of my mind. You’re often on it.

I often think of you and wonder, how’s your day going? Are you going into your dark alleys alone again? Did you open up to someone and found another da jie? Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are? You shine from the inside and I hope you can see that daily when you look at yourself in the mirror before going to school.

Senior year is about to end soon. I hope you made the most of it. Senior year was both my best and worst year so I understand if you hate some parts of it. But we can’t take back anything right? No regrets 🙂

I really want to tell you that I miss you and no amount of Skyping can cure it fully. Skype is like the medicine that makes the symptoms become bearable but not necessarily making the virus go away (haha oh my word, me and my analogies). Life here is pretty good, I have lower dips but I’m grateful to say that I have higher highs too.

My lovely strong little sister, hang in there when the days get dark. Hang in there when you can’t see the light. Hang in there when you feel like there’s no more hope. Hang in there because if you ride through the wave, it’ll eventually come down even though you feel like it’s an eternity. Bring me along on a wave if you need to, I’ll be there for you. You know that 🙂

I wish I can be there physically for you when you feel the urges coming up. I wish I can be there physically when you cry. I wish I can be there physically to wipe your tears away and to hug you when you shake with sobs. But I can’t, so with my deepest sincerity, I apologise. I haven’t been the best da jie for you but I hope I’m enough.

You’re a strong girl who revel in challenges and thrive amazingly.

You surprise me by proving to me time and time again that you’re stronger than what you let others see.

You fight an adversary as fiercely as you would protect a loved one.

That’s your strength and that’s your amazing amazing amazing quality.

 

Loving and missing you way too much,

your da jie

LA Urban Lights

LA Urban Lights

Taken when I spent the weekend in LA with my 60D

Of all the things I still remember
Summer’s never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we’d still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could’ve been
It was worth it in the end

Faith, Hope, and Love

ImageDoubts, doubts, doubts. When will everything be done and over with?

Even if you’re “back to normal”,

you’ve already gone through so much

that you still wouldn’t be “normal”.

you’ll always be different

and that is what’s going to make you

special and stronger than the others. (K.S.)

I’m a disgusting piece of wreck that has been trying to glue herself back together, how do you put up with me when I can’t even put up with myself?

I accepted your past,

I take you for what and who you are,

I’m excited for the future because the future will be bright.

And if you can’t see it yet,

I’ll still stay by your side until you can see it. (W.L.) 

I never wanted any of you to be dragged into this mess...

Too bad I’m already in it.

Now we just have to figure this out together,

you may be used to fighting your own battles,

but now you’re not alone anymore. (W.L.)

I’m exhausted and I’m so tired…

You gotta stay strong, dear.

You know how to reach out for help,

so just keep on doing what you’re doing! (K.S.)

When nothing else seems to work,

Time does heal many wounds,

so just hang on tight, (K.S.)

Lets go back to the start

She refused to cave in. she ignored the signs.

She ignored the tingling behind her nose, she ignored the hot tears waiting to just fall off. She just continued to look out the window and stare at the stars, yearning for their freedom and beauty. A couple sniffles here and there, but in her mind she passed it off as a cold. He turns the corner and cuts the engine, filling the car with unbearable silence.

He sighs a worrisome sigh and turns to her, his hand cupping her cheek. She looks up, knowing that she’s finally managed to cage her beast and not cry. He lifts his hand, takes off her glasses and with the back of his index knuckle he gently swipes her right eye.

Such a small motion.

Such a tiny movement.

Whether it was to check for tears or whether it was to wipe her tear, she would never know now. But with that one tiny gesture, he let loose a waterfall of emotions and tears. With that one small movement, he breaks down her defenses.