Stumbled and Fell

He took something from me. He took little pieces of me, little pieces over time, so small I didn’t even notice, you know? He wanted me to be something I wasn’t, and I made myself into what he wanted. One day I was me Cristina Yang, and then suddenly I was lying for him, and jeopardizing my career, and agreeing to be married and wearing a ring, and being a bride. Until I was standing there in a wedding dress with no eyebrows, and I wasn’t Cristina Yang anymore. And even then, I would’ve married him. I would have. I lost myself for a long time. And now that I’m finally me again, I can’t. I love you. I love you more than I loved Burke. I love you. And that scares the crap out of me because when you asked me to ignore Teddy’s page, you took a piece of me, and I let you. And that will never happen again. – Cristina Yang, GA.

I cannot breathe, I just cannot. I curl up in the corner of the bench, huddled over my laptop, desperately trying to put my thought into words. I find myself dependent on my medication and that’s not good. I panic when it diminishes in quantity from my backpack. I sit there, staring at the corner of my mind. The corner where you dragged your sledge hammer and destroyed, do you remember that? You cross my mind so often now that I think you still exist in the people I love the most. That scares the shit out of me. You have no idea. Remember how you left me not only broken but shattered and ground into fine powder?

I’m afraid. I’m afraid to try new things now. I’m afraid to be open to new experiences and new people because you made me so afraid. I wonder again and again, how is it you managed to turn a confident, bright girl into a cowering, academically challenged girl? How is it that you managed to snatch away the light behind her eyes, her fiery passion in her heart and her spark of hope in her heart? How is it that you managed to slam her across the wall, to hurt her, and to accuse her of hurting you, and on top of that, managed to make her believe that it was her fault? How is it that you managed to make her believe she was inferior to you? How was it that you managed to make her apologise to you even though it was clearly your fault? How was it that you managed to make a girl with a backbone suddenly fall on the floor, cleaning up your mess and promising to make changes when the one who needed to change was you?

How did you do that? How could you take her naivety and mutilate it into your own little disgusting creature? How did you make her flinch from the touch of others? How did you manage to make her second guess her every move?

But no, there’s a more pressing question that burns my mind right now.

How the fuck did she allow him to do all that to her? How stupid could she get? How idiotic could she be to continue to keep herself be under his spell? 

How did she allow herself to sink that low just to make you happy? How did she hit rock bottom just to be someone you wanted? How could she let herself?! How could she lose herself just like that?! How could she lose all her self confidence only by the few words that you told her?! That she was never and can never be good enough for you! That she could never be better than she was simply because she “never tried!” That her tears were nothing but a futile means to get your “pity”?! Your pity? You think she cried because she wanted your pity? 

You may be a memory for 5 years ago, but it stays fresh in my head, 

It was as if everything just happened yesterday.

Nothing you say now can change what your past actions have brought up.

Letter to A.T.

To my beloved little sister, my x mei,

I’m guilty of not talking to you enough. I’m sorry. I hope things are going better than they usually are. The day that things are amazing and brilliant, I hope you tell me ASAP! You occupy a lot of my mind. You’re often on it.

I often think of you and wonder, how’s your day going? Are you going into your dark alleys alone again? Did you open up to someone and found another da jie? Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are? You shine from the inside and I hope you can see that daily when you look at yourself in the mirror before going to school.

Senior year is about to end soon. I hope you made the most of it. Senior year was both my best and worst year so I understand if you hate some parts of it. But we can’t take back anything right? No regrets 🙂

I really want to tell you that I miss you and no amount of Skyping can cure it fully. Skype is like the medicine that makes the symptoms become bearable but not necessarily making the virus go away (haha oh my word, me and my analogies). Life here is pretty good, I have lower dips but I’m grateful to say that I have higher highs too.

My lovely strong little sister, hang in there when the days get dark. Hang in there when you can’t see the light. Hang in there when you feel like there’s no more hope. Hang in there because if you ride through the wave, it’ll eventually come down even though you feel like it’s an eternity. Bring me along on a wave if you need to, I’ll be there for you. You know that 🙂

I wish I can be there physically for you when you feel the urges coming up. I wish I can be there physically when you cry. I wish I can be there physically to wipe your tears away and to hug you when you shake with sobs. But I can’t, so with my deepest sincerity, I apologise. I haven’t been the best da jie for you but I hope I’m enough.

You’re a strong girl who revel in challenges and thrive amazingly.

You surprise me by proving to me time and time again that you’re stronger than what you let others see.

You fight an adversary as fiercely as you would protect a loved one.

That’s your strength and that’s your amazing amazing amazing quality.

 

Loving and missing you way too much,

your da jie

A letter to my betrayer

To you,

You were my best friend; my listening ear; my safe haven. Yet, you left when things got too hard. You put a knife that’s still stuck in between my vertebrae. You were once betrayed, you know how that feels. Yet you still did it to me. I’m still struggling with trying to forgive you and trying to move on.  Most times I still blame myself that there should be something wrong with me and that’s why you ditched me. Most times I still wonder how I was naiive enough to believe your words. But most of all, I’d like to thank you.

This picture was taken near a hawker centre. The bike’s seat has been so tattered and torn, there were bits of newspaper, plastic and scotchtape just trying to keep it together.
Let me quote Einstein “Life is like a bicycle. To keep your balance, you gotta keep moving.”

Thank you for teaching me that I can’t anyhow open my heart and let myself be vulnerable. Thank you for teaching me that I can’t believe everyone’s words. Thank you for teaching me how to stay strong and fight for myself instead of lean on someone else’s shoulders for long periods of time. Thank you for teaching me to never betray anyone else because now I know the hurting wound. Thank you for teaching me how to improperly sew my own confidence together, the scars will now be a battle scar that will forever have your name on it. Thank you for making me stronger, and letting me see who you really are before I made myself even more vulnerable to you.

Good day to you, Idiot.

I’m a stronger person now.