Everything pissed her off.
Everyone pissed her off.
Those who are close to her suffered her wrath and frustrations.
Jackie couldn’t hold it in any further. She’d exploded. She’d purge after every meal, and binge in between. it felt good for her, something she knew she was finally good at. She couldn’t blow up at those who wasn’t close to her, she just can’t. But she did to those around her…
“What’s that around your eyes?” Her sister would ask in disgust.
“Just shut up will you?!” She’d snap back. Anger raged through her like a fire in the woods.
“Mommmyyy!! Jackie’s eye looks gross!”
“Geeze will you just shut the freak up ?!” The fire within her quickly grew into an inferno.
“Jackie?” Her mother would ask.
One gaze and Jackie stormed away into the bathroom to do what she does best.
Little red dots will appear around and under her eyes, she checked it up, it wasn’t a rash. It was just due to her purging. It had put loads of pressure on her eyes, popping the tiny blood vessels. A small price she paid to do what she was doing now.
Her mouth once more filled with the dirty feeling as she released everything out. Her body pumping with adrenaline as her stomach knotted out its fillings through the gullet and into the toilet. Snapping her head up she saw her reflection in the mirror. Gasping and panting for breath, she sniffed her nose and rubbed away the tears in her eyes from the purging. The girl in the reflection wasn’t very pretty, she knew it was definitely her. For the first time she realized the dots around her eyes, the swelling of the nose, Jackie ran back into her room and sat down, bursting into tears.
She rocked herself back and forth, comforting herself, “no one’s perfect. no one’s perfect.”
A red line caught her eye as she cradled her left arm. It was still throbbing a dull pain since yesterday. A perfect, red, swollen line. The more she looked at it, the more she felt so angry, upset, frustrated. In her rage, she scratched away the top scab. Closing her mouth just in time to not let out a yelp of pain. Blood started to flow again. Blood mixed with tears. She concentrated on the pain of her arm. At least it was better than what she felt inside of her. A monster crept within her, ready to pounce out and show itself to the world. She sat there, silent, containing herself.
A bag of chips caught her eye, along with some candies, snacks, chocolates and drinks she had stuffed into her bag earlier. Gingerly, she reached out to it. Eating them ravishly just to purge them out again later…
This picture was taken with my Canon 60D. These lights are what keep me accompanied in the night in case i wake up from a nightmare. Since nightmares are very common in my sleep, I keep them on for extra help to readjust back to reality.
I used to have a blog, where i could just rant everything out. And i just wanted to share a story that i had written in my blog. It’s a true story, a memory that haunts me even until today. Sure, it wasn’t one of my “big deals” but this was at the very beginning of my depression and bulimic days… I just hope this shows a little bit of the anguish I had felt, and to let it be a testimony that one can recover, and it’s very much possible