Fighting Mia

With Mia whispering in my ear every single time I see food, I had forgotten what hunger was. The lines between hunger and craving was blurred and almost non-existent. My RD once told me, “the first sign of hunger isn’t the hunger pangs – those are last. The first sign is when you start thinking about food.”

What?

But when I start thinking about food, that means I’m already craving for something already too right? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving? What is hunger, what is craving?

When you feel like you’re almost going to be full, stop eating. Just stop. Take time, or just sit around. Sit and be with yourself and your stomach. You’ll feel full soon enough.

Throw it up, just do it. You’re so fat already, stop making yourself uglier.

No, I won’t. Because I love myself. I won’t let myself go through that kind of torture again. I may not fully understand it now, but I know I’ll thank myself in the future. Thank myself for not letting it become so severe that I can’t do anything. Thank myself for not letting my teeth rot. Thank myself for not developing throat cancer. Thank myself for having some kind thought for my own body.

It’s all but a lie. They’re telling you lies. Throw it up, you disgusting piece of shit.

But Mia, if I do, you win again. And you’ve won so many times. Maybe it’s my turn to win. Maybe it’s time for you to leave. Because there’s nothing more precious than the smiles of Imagemy loved ones, and they hurt to see me do it. I hurt myself when I do it. Because I’ve learned from you, Mia. I’ve learned how to at least be conscious of when I binge.

Thank you Mia, you’ve shown me how much I need to start loving myself. You showed me how twisted and broken the world is. You showed me that there are others out there who love me. You showed me that I need improvement, and I WILL change. I’ll change for the better, I’ll change for the amazing people in my life. I’ll learn how to be kind to myself, and even though it’s hard to show compassion to myself, I will try. I will try. I will try.

Self-Care Week

It’s spring break! And even though the past week or so has been rollercoaster crazy and hell, I got out of it and I managed to keep my head above water. so what better way to celebrate than to have a self care week dedicated to baking? I haven’t touched baking since I came here, it’s been close to 6 months of no baking. My hands are just itching. And since W still has to work, what better way to have some me downtime and take care of myself? He gets to eat my stuff later anyway 😛

 

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Apparently my electric hand whisk was left over at W’s place 😦 so whisking away with my manual whisk! Never skip arm day!!

 

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Knead. Knead. Knead

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Cookie dough, left to chill for an hour in the fridge 🙂

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Ta-da! Instead of making cinnamon roll bread, i made cinnamon roll cookies. Glazed with milk frosting.

Never underestimate the amount of strength you achieve back from taking at least just one day to self-care. Don’t mix self-care with laziness, they’re two different, completely different things. When you self-care, you’re more conscious about your thoughts, your presence, your very being. You’re relaxed but productive. You’re taking care of yourself, what’s so bad about that? Take a day off dedicated to pamper yourself, it’s worth it.

Fighting Back The Tears

I just got a phone call from my therapist I took the liberty of calling the university counselor and she said that because you’re in academic probation for a quarter, if you fail this quarter’s finals, you’ll be dismissed from school.” 

i just gaped because in my mind, the only thing going through it was “what. the. fuck.”

I could easily take the offer of having my primary health care doctor write a letter and excusing me of this whole quarter and next quarter. But then I would have to be admitted into the recovery facility in another town for a whole bloody quarter. Which is NOT what I had thought they would put me through – I’m not that messed up right? 

Fight, fight, fight. Don’t let the tears fall.

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No. I’m Jackie, I don’t back down. I don’t care if it’s my pride or my ego or whatever shit you’re going to call it, I won’t take it. You can’t make me go to some shit facility because you can’t take care of me and make me progress as fast as you want me to. I’m fighting back and even if that means that this week is going to be a roller coaster without tracks. Even if it means this week is going to be swimming with the sharks with a wound on my leg. Even if it means that this week is going to be filled with suicidal thoughts. I’m going to fight through this. And prove them all wrong. ALL.

I’m pissed,

I’m mad.

I’m ready to fight back. 

Letter to A.T.

To my beloved little sister, my x mei,

I’m guilty of not talking to you enough. I’m sorry. I hope things are going better than they usually are. The day that things are amazing and brilliant, I hope you tell me ASAP! You occupy a lot of my mind. You’re often on it.

I often think of you and wonder, how’s your day going? Are you going into your dark alleys alone again? Did you open up to someone and found another da jie? Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are? You shine from the inside and I hope you can see that daily when you look at yourself in the mirror before going to school.

Senior year is about to end soon. I hope you made the most of it. Senior year was both my best and worst year so I understand if you hate some parts of it. But we can’t take back anything right? No regrets 🙂

I really want to tell you that I miss you and no amount of Skyping can cure it fully. Skype is like the medicine that makes the symptoms become bearable but not necessarily making the virus go away (haha oh my word, me and my analogies). Life here is pretty good, I have lower dips but I’m grateful to say that I have higher highs too.

My lovely strong little sister, hang in there when the days get dark. Hang in there when you can’t see the light. Hang in there when you feel like there’s no more hope. Hang in there because if you ride through the wave, it’ll eventually come down even though you feel like it’s an eternity. Bring me along on a wave if you need to, I’ll be there for you. You know that 🙂

I wish I can be there physically for you when you feel the urges coming up. I wish I can be there physically when you cry. I wish I can be there physically to wipe your tears away and to hug you when you shake with sobs. But I can’t, so with my deepest sincerity, I apologise. I haven’t been the best da jie for you but I hope I’m enough.

You’re a strong girl who revel in challenges and thrive amazingly.

You surprise me by proving to me time and time again that you’re stronger than what you let others see.

You fight an adversary as fiercely as you would protect a loved one.

That’s your strength and that’s your amazing amazing amazing quality.

 

Loving and missing you way too much,

your da jie

LA Urban Lights

LA Urban Lights

Taken when I spent the weekend in LA with my 60D

Of all the things I still remember
Summer’s never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we’d still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could’ve been
It was worth it in the end

A Lot Of Times…

A lot of times I find myself not willing to even participate in class.

A lot of times I find myself wishing I had just slept in and not come to class.

A lot of times I wished I understood what the professor is saying.

A lot of times I wonder what did the uni see in my resumé that made them think I’m worth being in this prestigeous public uni.

A lot of times I wonder what I am doing.

A lot of times I wonder what life would be like if I had no depression or eating disorders or other shits.

A lot of times I don’t want to socialise at all.

A lot of times I just ride on my bike with no destination just to try and clear my head.

A lot of times I get so lost in my thoughts that I don’t know what I’m thinking.

A lot of times I stuff myself with food.

A lot of times I refuse to eat.

A lot of times I had to swallow down hot tears.

A lot of times I’m sick of life.

But a lot of times I think of the small things that pushed me to continue with life, knowing that IF I had already made it this far, I can continue with recovery and  become a better person.

A lot of times, I rely on faith to put one step in front of the other to keep walking.

Kick Back

Taken on the E Quad in UCD when I took a small nap and studied on the lawn.

The clouds are out, and  the winds are blowing and the soft grass under me bends under my weight. It’s pretty beautiful here on the quad lawn, Phillip Phillips’ music “Gone, gone, gone” blasting in my ear. My pants slightly wet from the little droplets of water on the grass – so what? Around me I see students playing Frisbee, a couple snuggling under a tree,  a boy eating his sandwich, a girl waiting for someone while studying, another boy lying comfortably on his back and reading his book, students just chilling on the lawn. What more can you ask for? It’s been a pretty rollercoaster day, but I think overall, it’s been pretty good! And the best part of today will definitely be this moment, lying down, typing out my feelings, eating Cheetos and just observing people under the cloudy skies. I wonder how the rest of you are doing, you guys okay there?

Hope everything is alright ❤

Lots of love,

jleornie