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What’s eating you up? What’s that tremor in your hand? Why are you shivering? Why do you want to cry? What are you feeling and what do you need?

No, it’s. No, it’s not cold. No, I don’t want to. I don’t know what I’m feeling  No, try again. I feel… suffocated.  Why? I don’t know, I don’t know, i don’t know! I need to breathe. 

I need to breathe….

The desolation and ache, needing to release the poison, the fervor rage and sentiment. I want everything to be okay again. That blissful ignorance. I miss the smile I used to have, before everything happened. No, no you don’t… you’ve grown so much since then, don’t feel like you need to go back. oh but it was so blissful then…. I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know what heartache was, I didn’t know what disappointment was. If I was tired it was because school was hot and I was playing soccer before going for choir and coming home late because I wouldn’t stop talking to my friends. If I was sad it was because my favourite food stall didn’t open and I couldn’t get my favourite noodles…

When all else fails, where do you go? When you wake up from a nightmare, kicking and screaming, how do you shake it off? How do you go to sleep knowing that you’ll probably wake up sweating and palpitating?

It’s that heaviness in your chest,

The scream just waiting to be heard.

It’s the exhaustion that you have,

The anguish so deep inside that you can’t express.

What is that? Why do memories haunt her everywhere she goes? Why can’t she have a day without her memories? Why can’t she just forget it?

She’s waiting for superman to lift her up, and take her anywhere. Show her love and flying through the air. Save her now, before it’s too late tonight.

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Save Her

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A blank screen in front of her, all she wants to do is to convert her thoughts into words. What’s that? Its just her thoughts. It’s trapped in her head like a guilded cage. Just like her.

She’s nothing but an empty shell these days

Punch the wall. Just punch.

There isnt much that she has been doing. No, no, she’s been doing a lot. She’s been lying. She’s been hiding. She’s been crying. She’s naught but a shadow of her former self. Her very essense leaving her in little slips. So slowly that she barely notices it.

Punch. Punch.
It hurts.
Don’t think about anything else, concentrate on the pain.

What’s that? That’s her pile of work. Her procrastination. Her consequence for being so mentally fucked up. What’s that? Can you hear it too? Its her silent screams that radiates from her eyes. It’s the anguish in her heart. It’s the desperation to escape everything. Do you hear it too?

Abort, abort, abort,
delete all thoughts. Punch. Just punch it. Ouch, the skin split. It’s okay. Keep punching.

What’s that? You feel that too? The heaviness in her heart? The panic that rises up her throat? She isn’t getting any better is she? She’s clambering. She doesn’t know what she’s doing anymore.

There’s blood. Punch through it. You deserve the pain.

Doubts

Doubts

I drew this. It was quite cathartic. I’m in that phase again. Where I doubt everything. Maybe it was my bad scores that pushed me over this time. Maybe it’s just me. I don’t know. I’m doubting everything now. I’m doubting that I really want to recover. I’m doubting that I’m going to ever recover. I”m doubting that I’ll ever be normal. No, I’m never gna be normal – you all know that… Crying spells and everything is coming down towards me again. This time I don’t cut. No, I’m smarter than scars now. It’s black and green and blue. It wont last, it’s not as painful. But it seems to help. Or maybe I’m the one needing help. Help. Please. I’m losing it.

Back up, baby back up.

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This was taken aboard a Singapore Airlines flight. Does being up in the sky make you want to jump down to momentarily feel free and to end all the pain when you reach the ground?

I was traveling yesterday and my mood was pretty alright. Until I rested my head on the back of my hand and noticed something odd. A small white line on the outside of my elbow. I traced it slowly, letting the thought sink in. Have you ever seen a scar in which you had forgotten you had?

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I had promised my counselor that I’d try and stop cutting. To my ultimate surprise, I went clean for at least two weeks. During lunch time, I would be in a teacher’s class because they wanted to “monitor” me after the school staff found out that I had been cutting in school. When the teacher left for the bathroom, I had the strangest most strong urge to feel pain. A panic attack edged on my mind as I started scrambling through the room for a blade of sorts – why would an english teacher have blades?! And then it caught my eye. Without so much as a second thought, I grabbed my ruler and snatched up the pencil sharpener…. I loosened the screw and took out the tiny blade – no one would notice it right? Gingerly and with much precaution, I pressed in the blade deeper than I’d ever pushed before. Before I knew it, there was a 3″ laceration on my elbow. 

It was only then that I realised what the hell I did. I stepped right into the pushing edge of my panic attack and started hyperventilating. Panic surged through my body as it fell to the floor with tears streaming down my cheeks – what the hell have i done? I believe i blacked out right afterwards because next thing I know, I was in the nurses’s office…