A blank screen in front of her, all she wants to do is to convert her thoughts into words. What’s that? Its just her thoughts. It’s trapped in her head like a guilded cage. Just like her.
She’s nothing but an empty shell these days
Punch the wall. Just punch.
There isnt much that she has been doing. No, no, she’s been doing a lot. She’s been lying. She’s been hiding. She’s been crying. She’s naught but a shadow of her former self. Her very essense leaving her in little slips. So slowly that she barely notices it.
Don’t think about anything else, concentrate on the pain.
What’s that? That’s her pile of work. Her procrastination. Her consequence for being so mentally fucked up. What’s that? Can you hear it too? Its her silent screams that radiates from her eyes. It’s the anguish in her heart. It’s the desperation to escape everything. Do you hear it too?
Abort, abort, abort,
delete all thoughts. Punch. Just punch it. Ouch, the skin split. It’s okay. Keep punching.
What’s that? You feel that too? The heaviness in her heart? The panic that rises up her throat? She isn’t getting any better is she? She’s clambering. She doesn’t know what she’s doing anymore.
There’s blood. Punch through it. You deserve the pain.
Painted this in the middle of my study session. It goes out to all of you.
To those who cry themselves to calm down for no reason whatsoever.
To those who take a blade to make a mark.
To those whose blood flow just isn’t enough.
To those who have the inexplicable urge to throw everything up.
To those who hyperventilate in panic attacks.
To those who just can’t seem to do anything.
To those who just need everything to stop.
To those who don’t know how to wake up in the morning.
To those who don’t know how to sleep at night.
To those who have disturbing nightmares at night.
To those who struggle every single step of the way.
To those who sit in the closet and rock away the demons.
To those who cuddle under the blanket too scared to get out of bed.
To those who waste away in front of the telly because there’s no thought process in the brain.
To those who feel impeccably alone. You’re not alone.
I drew this. It was quite cathartic. I’m in that phase again. Where I doubt everything. Maybe it was my bad scores that pushed me over this time. Maybe it’s just me. I don’t know. I’m doubting everything now. I’m doubting that I really want to recover. I’m doubting that I’m going to ever recover. I”m doubting that I’ll ever be normal. No, I’m never gna be normal – you all know that… Crying spells and everything is coming down towards me again. This time I don’t cut. No, I’m smarter than scars now. It’s black and green and blue. It wont last, it’s not as painful. But it seems to help. Or maybe I’m the one needing help. Help. Please. I’m losing it.
This was a ruler i used to beat my thighs after slicing it all up… just to get the extra blood flow… i found it again in its usual hiding place when i was searching for a completely different tool. The pain that seared back through my heart when i saw the flaking dried blood on either side of the ruler…
Tears were stopped before i lost control -thank goodness-. And i would just like to take a minute to ponder and think. I’ve come so far… even as i start coming out of my shell and being proud of my battle scars, i still have to admit that looking at my past is still a scary business… The past was never what i wanted. And i never would ever consider going back into that abyss… they were chapters and pages that were already flipped… flipping back is no use at all.
The ruler is now washed and discarded down the rubbish chute, never to be seen again by me. At the same time, it hurts to see that a part of my history is gone. Though I hated my past, it’s still a part of me afterall isnt it?
This was taken aboard a Singapore Airlines flight. Does being up in the sky make you want to jump down to momentarily feel free and to end all the pain when you reach the ground?
I was traveling yesterday and my mood was pretty alright. Until I rested my head on the back of my hand and noticed something odd. A small white line on the outside of my elbow. I traced it slowly, letting the thought sink in. Have you ever seen a scar in which you had forgotten you had?
I had promised my counselor that I’d try and stop cutting. To my ultimate surprise, I went clean for at least two weeks. During lunch time, I would be in a teacher’s class because they wanted to “monitor” me after the school staff found out that I had been cutting in school. When the teacher left for the bathroom, I had the strangest most strong urge to feel pain. A panic attack edged on my mind as I started scrambling through the room for a blade of sorts – why would an english teacher have blades?! And then it caught my eye. Without so much as a second thought, I grabbed my ruler and snatched up the pencil sharpener…. I loosened the screw and took out the tiny blade – no one would notice it right? Gingerly and with much precaution, I pressed in the blade deeper than I’d ever pushed before. Before I knew it, there was a 3″ laceration on my elbow.
It was only then that I realised what the hell I did. I stepped right into the pushing edge of my panic attack and started hyperventilating. Panic surged through my body as it fell to the floor with tears streaming down my cheeks – what the hell have i done? I believe i blacked out right afterwards because next thing I know, I was in the nurses’s office…
A painful part of this journey is when you remember things and you feel like there’s no end to this. Theres no light at the end of the tunnel. I challenge you though, because if you’re reading this, it means that you’re already willing to recover – or at least considering.
When you feel like giving up, remind yourself why you’ve held on for so long.
I dare you to remember.
Do you remember the last time you…
Snapped this picture of my dear friend in church. I think candid pictures are the best – they capture a real smile. she was just smiling around and when she turned to face me i snapped this picture XP
- Genuinely smiled?
- Had such a good laugh that tears were pouring?
- Had a sleepless night because you were up having a great time with your friends?
- Hugged your parents with love?
- Had a sweet dream?
- Had a glow in your eye?
- Had fun?
- Had nothing but school or work to worry about?
- Had no tears to put you to sleep?
- Had no scars?