Stumbled and Fell

He took something from me. He took little pieces of me, little pieces over time, so small I didn’t even notice, you know? He wanted me to be something I wasn’t, and I made myself into what he wanted. One day I was me Cristina Yang, and then suddenly I was lying for him, and jeopardizing my career, and agreeing to be married and wearing a ring, and being a bride. Until I was standing there in a wedding dress with no eyebrows, and I wasn’t Cristina Yang anymore. And even then, I would’ve married him. I would have. I lost myself for a long time. And now that I’m finally me again, I can’t. I love you. I love you more than I loved Burke. I love you. And that scares the crap out of me because when you asked me to ignore Teddy’s page, you took a piece of me, and I let you. And that will never happen again. – Cristina Yang, GA.

I cannot breathe, I just cannot. I curl up in the corner of the bench, huddled over my laptop, desperately trying to put my thought into words. I find myself dependent on my medication and that’s not good. I panic when it diminishes in quantity from my backpack. I sit there, staring at the corner of my mind. The corner where you dragged your sledge hammer and destroyed, do you remember that? You cross my mind so often now that I think you still exist in the people I love the most. That scares the shit out of me. You have no idea. Remember how you left me not only broken but shattered and ground into fine powder?

I’m afraid. I’m afraid to try new things now. I’m afraid to be open to new experiences and new people because you made me so afraid. I wonder again and again, how is it you managed to turn a confident, bright girl into a cowering, academically challenged girl? How is it that you managed to snatch away the light behind her eyes, her fiery passion in her heart and her spark of hope in her heart? How is it that you managed to slam her across the wall, to hurt her, and to accuse her of hurting you, and on top of that, managed to make her believe that it was her fault? How is it that you managed to make her believe she was inferior to you? How was it that you managed to make her apologise to you even though it was clearly your fault? How was it that you managed to make a girl with a backbone suddenly fall on the floor, cleaning up your mess and promising to make changes when the one who needed to change was you?

How did you do that? How could you take her naivety and mutilate it into your own little disgusting creature? How did you make her flinch from the touch of others? How did you manage to make her second guess her every move?

But no, there’s a more pressing question that burns my mind right now.

How the fuck did she allow him to do all that to her? How stupid could she get? How idiotic could she be to continue to keep herself be under his spell? 

How did she allow herself to sink that low just to make you happy? How did she hit rock bottom just to be someone you wanted? How could she let herself?! How could she lose herself just like that?! How could she lose all her self confidence only by the few words that you told her?! That she was never and can never be good enough for you! That she could never be better than she was simply because she “never tried!” That her tears were nothing but a futile means to get your “pity”?! Your pity? You think she cried because she wanted your pity? 

You may be a memory for 5 years ago, but it stays fresh in my head, 

It was as if everything just happened yesterday.

Nothing you say now can change what your past actions have brought up.

Save Her

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A blank screen in front of her, all she wants to do is to convert her thoughts into words. What’s that? Its just her thoughts. It’s trapped in her head like a guilded cage. Just like her.

She’s nothing but an empty shell these days

Punch the wall. Just punch.

There isnt much that she has been doing. No, no, she’s been doing a lot. She’s been lying. She’s been hiding. She’s been crying. She’s naught but a shadow of her former self. Her very essense leaving her in little slips. So slowly that she barely notices it.

Punch. Punch.
It hurts.
Don’t think about anything else, concentrate on the pain.

What’s that? That’s her pile of work. Her procrastination. Her consequence for being so mentally fucked up. What’s that? Can you hear it too? Its her silent screams that radiates from her eyes. It’s the anguish in her heart. It’s the desperation to escape everything. Do you hear it too?

Abort, abort, abort,
delete all thoughts. Punch. Just punch it. Ouch, the skin split. It’s okay. Keep punching.

What’s that? You feel that too? The heaviness in her heart? The panic that rises up her throat? She isn’t getting any better is she? She’s clambering. She doesn’t know what she’s doing anymore.

There’s blood. Punch through it. You deserve the pain.

Faith, Hope, and Love

ImageDoubts, doubts, doubts. When will everything be done and over with?

Even if you’re “back to normal”,

you’ve already gone through so much

that you still wouldn’t be “normal”.

you’ll always be different

and that is what’s going to make you

special and stronger than the others. (K.S.)

I’m a disgusting piece of wreck that has been trying to glue herself back together, how do you put up with me when I can’t even put up with myself?

I accepted your past,

I take you for what and who you are,

I’m excited for the future because the future will be bright.

And if you can’t see it yet,

I’ll still stay by your side until you can see it. (W.L.) 

I never wanted any of you to be dragged into this mess...

Too bad I’m already in it.

Now we just have to figure this out together,

you may be used to fighting your own battles,

but now you’re not alone anymore. (W.L.)

I’m exhausted and I’m so tired…

You gotta stay strong, dear.

You know how to reach out for help,

so just keep on doing what you’re doing! (K.S.)

When nothing else seems to work,

Time does heal many wounds,

so just hang on tight, (K.S.)

Lets go back to the start

She refused to cave in. she ignored the signs.

She ignored the tingling behind her nose, she ignored the hot tears waiting to just fall off. She just continued to look out the window and stare at the stars, yearning for their freedom and beauty. A couple sniffles here and there, but in her mind she passed it off as a cold. He turns the corner and cuts the engine, filling the car with unbearable silence.

He sighs a worrisome sigh and turns to her, his hand cupping her cheek. She looks up, knowing that she’s finally managed to cage her beast and not cry. He lifts his hand, takes off her glasses and with the back of his index knuckle he gently swipes her right eye.

Such a small motion.

Such a tiny movement.

Whether it was to check for tears or whether it was to wipe her tear, she would never know now. But with that one tiny gesture, he let loose a waterfall of emotions and tears. With that one small movement, he breaks down her defenses.

A StandStill Moment

Where do you look? Where do you run? Where do you hide? Where do you go?

Where do you look? Where do you run? Where do you hide? Where do you go?

The air conditioner is blowing gently,

the post-its and tissues are swaying from the gentle breeze.

my desk lamp continues to shine it’s brilliant white light,

there are papers scattered around my table.

my books stacked in one big pile,

a notebook and pen lies close to me.

my notebook has a little tear on it’s edge,

my pen is chipped off on it’s tip.

the things you notice only when you’re quiet, The things that you think about only when you’re alone. The things that haunt you. They come back in the worst possible time, they come back in the terrible-est moments and they come back unsuspectingly. When I just thought I was going through it and going to be okay, it reminds me that once more, I’m not. I’m frankly quite embarrassed to say that I saw in my bath tub, submerged in hot water and just cried. I sat there sobbing and sobbing for no reason what so ever.  Have you cried for no reason? It hurts because the moment you start thinking that you’re better, you’re reminded that you aren’t.

All of a sudden, your train of thought that you had no idea you were straining to control burst into this chaotic mess worse than the Grand Central Station at peak hour. Suddenly the ability to follow a thought vanishes. And suddenly you’re trapped in a dark room and the brain chatter dies immediately. The silence is so loud that it pounds in your ears. Your emotions fleet away from you and lock themselves up in a box. But with one wave, everything returns back and crowds your head, overwhelms you. and suddenly it’s so overwhelming that tears pour out uncontrollably.

And you ask yourself: When does it ever stop?