Kick Back

Taken on the E Quad in UCD when I took a small nap and studied on the lawn.

The clouds are out, and  the winds are blowing and the soft grass under me bends under my weight. It’s pretty beautiful here on the quad lawn, Phillip Phillips’ music “Gone, gone, gone” blasting in my ear. My pants slightly wet from the little droplets of water on the grass – so what? Around me I see students playing Frisbee, a couple snuggling under a tree,  a boy eating his sandwich, a girl waiting for someone while studying, another boy lying comfortably on his back and reading his book, students just chilling on the lawn. What more can you ask for? It’s been a pretty rollercoaster day, but I think overall, it’s been pretty good! And the best part of today will definitely be this moment, lying down, typing out my feelings, eating Cheetos and just observing people under the cloudy skies. I wonder how the rest of you are doing, you guys okay there?

Hope everything is alright ❤

Lots of love,

jleornie

Stand and Stand Tall

I like to think of myself as a strong girl. Sure, I have problems, but that doesn’t mean that I wont stand up for myself. When others make fun of me or my ideals, yes, I laugh it off – I can take a joke. However, when it gets constant, it starts to hurt doesn’t it? Don’t lie. Even if you smile off something someone said, it still hurts a little bit doesn’t it? Sooner or later, it turns into despise and then it turns into a wound that only you know of. That’s the basis of having our self-esteem cut down right? 

I may seem very strong but I have my soft spots too. I take my ideals seriously – when I say that I’ll diligently read and do my work and attend classes, i mean it. I don’t need people to tell me that I’m just saying that right now because I just started school. I take my education seriously and just because you don’t, it doesn’t mean that you get to put me down. 

Stand strong on what you believe is right. If somewhere along the way you change your mind, who cares? It’s your own choice. If you don’t like someone, don’t hang out with them. Don’t socialize with people you don’t like just because you want to “expand your network”. You’re smarter than that, and there definitely will be people out there who will love you for who you are and not for someone you subconsciously try to imitate. Stand strong, stand tall and stand proud. 

 

xoxo jleornie

Honesty

My second consultation with a psych and psychiatrist here was interesting. I felt a want, almost a need to tell them that I am recovered and all right. But maybe that’s just me kidding myself right? School’s about to start soon and my nerves are firing again. What if I collapse in class, hyperventilating, having a panic when everyone thinks it’s a seizure? I missed two doses of my medication on accident and I find myself nauseous and light headed. If this is the beginning of my relapse, I’m frankly afraid to think about what’s going to happen when school starts. I worry again. I mean, it’s just like having a cramp. Once you get rid of the cramp, you start to be paranoid in how you walk or how you stretch in case you trigger it again.

What’s the trigger? Stress? Loneliness? I find myself looking out into the ominous night just wondering what the hell did I put myself through in the past few years. 

To be honest and truthful, the only word that can describe me right now is : afraid. 

Taken with my 60D when I flew on a hotair balloon with my family. It was 1000ft above the ground and do not estimate me when I say how tempting it was to just casually tip over the basket and free fall down to nothing. It takes confidence and pride, dignity and love to continue life.

It was dark times and I don’t ever want to go there again. I still see blades that can slice into my skin everywhere I go. I still feel a tad bit suicidal every time an opportunity passes. I’m scared because I feel so alone. When depression overwhelms you, you start to believe that you’re the only one in the world who cares for you – which is not true. And the worst part of the day is right before you try to sleep, when there’s nothing to distract you and there’s nothing to make you busy, and all that’s left to entertain you is the thoughts that you’ve managed to push out during the day. The thoughts that haunt you even in your sleep. You only realize how precious things are when you’re about to lose them or when you’ve actually lost them. Don’t wait until it’s too late… 

Baby Steps

Sorry for taking ages to write again. Remember how I always emphasize that recovery is a baby step at a time? Well… it felt like a giant step for me two days ago. Few days ago, I visited a counselor here. It felt so strange, so different, so… foreign… I was stepping into foreign land. I had no idea what I was going into. And during the initial consultation, I was as stiff as ice. I had to recount my experiences from day one. I had to tell her everything about me. It took me so long that I think the consultation took at least two hours. Lots of gaps where I just could not speak.

At the end of the session, all I wanted to do was go into the bathroom and cry. (which i did.) All i could think of was, “please do not let this happen all over again”. I walked out into the sunlight and watched bikes roll by and people laughing. I saw students sitting on the lawn with their ears plugged. and all I could feel was dread. Dread. It’s like the second part of learning how to walk, it’s the part where your mum and dad lets go of your hands and you have to take the next few steps on your own. When that happens, I know I’ll fall. I’ll fall maybe once or twice, or maybe I’ll keep falling. I’ll have bloody knees and scraped elbows. I’ll have bruises and concussions. But i’ll learn slowly. I know I’ll be able to walk again. I don’t know if one can ever fully recover from depression. I sure hope it’s possible. It’s been my journey for the past year – my hand was held by people who supported and cared for me. It’s time I learned to do that myself. It feels impossible, doesn’t it? It’s always clouded in doubt. But maybe, just maybe, this too shall pass…

Hugs and Love,

jleornie

Piercing Through the Darkness

This was taken on a car ride in the Californian sunset. Yes, i was pretty upset when this was taken, but nothing can't be fixed with a little bit of a smile 🙂

Sometimes, life goes by so quickly, you find yourself in another morning without realising where the previous day went. Take time to slow down. Even if you hate it. Its worth it 🙂

New Beginning

Its scary. But its amazing. Maybe not everyone of you have a chance like i do, to be away from everything.

When I was suicidal, standing where i stood taking this picture would be a nightmare. Now, i stand before the city, facing my new future with brightened hope.

I recently landed in San Fransisco, ready to start my new life in UC Davis. Usually, having a clear day with the sun out at Twin Peaks is a rare opportune. Today was a brilliant day, what can i say? I miss my physical support groups that are still left in Singapore. My dearest counselor, my little x.mei, my lovely kiwi. But i know they’re still behind me in what i do. I havent lost a support group, im moving forward, and im comforted to know that they’re always going to be there anytime i need. Distance is just a small matter 🙂

New beginnings are brilliant arent they? But no more hiding. If others asked, i’ll proudly show my battle scars (hahaha i hope im brave enough). If im brave enough, you are too

Xoxo jleornie

Taken for Granted

One thing that we take advantage of, is memory. A bad memory, a good memory. If youre reading this post, most likely you’ll think you have 5x more bad memories than you have good memories. On my way to stateside, I am transiting at HongKong for two days. Here, i visited a restaurant in which i had purged in. I still remember the cubicle…

The thing is, if you want to move forward, looking backwards is hazardous. You have got to learn to look back and not immediately be thinking negatively. Think of it as a good thought – you’ve survived that day, and now its time to fight again. You’re all soldiers with common enemies – disorders. And we got this. Its time to stop making comments like “oh that was the time BEFORE i started cutting…” or “yep, that’s AFTER i’d started not eating.”

Your lives are too precious to be centered around when you started doing or feeling these things. Theres more to life than just remembering the bad days. Think of all your good days. If you do, and you have a bad day, would you trade away all your good days and memories because of one bad event?

You’re more precious than you think. Take care, love 🙂

Xoxo jleornie

This was taken from under my umbrella on a rainy day in Hong Kong 😉

It is possible …

It is possible to commit no errors and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life. – Captain Picard

Puzzle Pieces

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Our lives are nothing but mere puzzle pieces, isnt it? Some people have it easy, they have a model. They have a picture and they know what their puzzle will look like in the end. Many of us have no pictures. But there are more still who not only have no pictures to model after, but also have no idea how to put the pieces together. It’s not your fault if you’re one of us. This puzzle piece is blue, the other one is turquoise, another is teal. What the hell?! How does it come together? It’s the not knowing to how to put them together that makes up our frustrations. Like a child learning how to play with the puzzle. Soon, the child gives up…

What’s faith? Faith is believing and knowing that you are destined to finish the puzzle. The puzzle picture is so beautiful. you just can’t see the big picture yet. All you have in your hands are little fragments of the puzzle. To see the big picture, you gotta let go of the little pieces you grasp ever so tightly in your hand. That way, you can pick up the right pieces and put them where they’re supposed to go.

There’s gonna be a lot of things that you can’t control. And this anguish, frustration and hurt inside of you can be good for you if you know what it’s there for. Me? I still don’t know. But i have faith that one day, I’ll understand why the heck I’m going through this hell hole. Faith is what keeps us alive. You tell me you don’t have faith? I know you guys aren’t all Christians but faith can also mean a lot in a non religious way. You sit on a chair without testing it’s ability to hold you up. You breathe in morning air without checking if there’s a chemical leak in the city. You eat food readily served to you without testing for poison.

Faith is taking the step before knowing what’s going to happen. What’s the best part about having faith? Is that, if you let go and just believe that things are going to be okay, it may take a day, a week, a month, a year, or even a decade or however long it takes, but you’ll be alright in the end. No, once you’ve been scarred you’ll forever be scarred. Forgiveness heals the wound, But only learning how to let go makes the scar fade. 

Going Back

I recently visited my old highschool again. It was a bittersweet experience i suppose? I leave for stateside on tuesday and wanted one last good look at my old school. I passed by many places, many of which contains very special memories. From the panic attack spots to the spot where I first met my bestfriend. I still remember which cubicle I would go to to self harm (blade was still inside the toilet tank!! i flushed it down in case some one finds it…) I still remember the cubicle I would go to if I needed to purge. I walked past the corner which I would go to if I needed to cry, I walked to the second floor where I had my crush kiss me on my forehead.

This was taken on the last day of school for us seniors. I’ll never forget the excitement buzzing around and the readiness to get out school!

There’s a light at each end of this tunnel – you shout ’cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out. And these mistakes you’ve made you’ll just make them again if you only try turning around.

I guess looking back at memories isn’t as bad as it had always seemed… Yes, if you haven’t gotten out of the tunnel as far enough yet, looking back is still as scary as hell. But keep your faith and walk on forward with the hopes of seeing more light. Now as I walk past those special spots, I find myself tearing up, remembering the dark days. Now I don’t purge as much, and my control over self-harm is much better. My crush turned out to be a dick head and my life is still in shambles. But you know what? It’ll get better only if I believe that it’ll get better. Learn to see things from a different perspective, see how it will brighten up your life so much more.